If you’ve attended an Evangelical church lately, you’ve probably been invited to enter into “a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.”
That phrase personal relationship with Jesus has become the number one metaphor modern Evangelicals use to describe their faith. They use it to draw a contrast between a living faith (personal relationship) and a dead one (going through religious motions).
I find it interesting that Evangelicals, who pride themselves on hewing closely to the Bible, have chosen to encapsulate their faith with a phrase that never appears in scripture. Nowhere in the sixty-six books of the canon are the faithful called to enter into a personal relationship with God or Jesus.
Admittedly, there are a number of passages where a relationship is implied, including many in the Gospel of John. A healthy walk with God is in some ways analogous to a relationship. I believe God is personally involved in my life and he cares for me.
However, it’s ironic that we who believe so fervently in the sufficiency of scripture regularly go beyond it when we describe our faith.
Relationships: A Woman’s Deepest Longing
Why does this matter? As I’ve pointed out in Why Men Hate Going to Church:
…despite its extrabiblical roots, personal relationship with Jesus Christ has become the number one term Evangelicals use to describe the Christian walk. Why? Because it frames the gospel in terms of a woman’s deepest desire—a personal relationship with a man who loves her unconditionally. It’s imagery that delights women—and baffles men.
Women are obsessed with relationships. They watch movies and read books about relationships. Women’s magazines and websites are all about relationships: Who is Kim dating now? Did Brad and Angelina have a fight? Do William and Kate really love each other? On a personal level, when a woman’s relationships are happy, she is happy.
Men on the other hand, are obsessed with mission. They watch movies and read books about a hero who goes on a dangerous mission: Spider Man, Batman, Superman, Iron Man, James Bond, Jason Bourne – the list of heroes and their missions is long. On a personal level, men are happiest when they’re on a mission, and that mission is going well.
Don’t misunderstand – men also enjoy good relationships. But men tend to draw their identity from what they do – their mission. Women also need a mission, but when it comes to their sense of well-being, relationships are often more important.
Whenever we speak of the gospel as a relationship, we’re using the native language of women. When we use romantic imagery to describe our faith (intimacy with God, falling in love with Jesus, a passionate relationship with Christ) we make the gospel less intelligible to men. Imagine the mental gymnastics that must take place inside a man’s head as he imagines himself becoming intimate with a long-haired, bearded man wearing a shining white robe.
If it’s not in the Bible, where did this phrase come from?
For years I’ve been curious about this little phrase. If it’s not in the Bible, where did it come from? When was it first used? I never knew until I stumbled across a fascinating tool from Google called Ngram Viewer. Type in any phrase and Google will search its vast library of books for references to that phrase. Best of all, it organizes the references by date, so you can see when a saying came into popular use.
According to Google, the phrase was never used until the late Victorian era, and then only sparingly. Here’s the first known reference to the phrase in Google’s book collection, a book titled Rest By The Way, written by Caroline M. Hallett in 1881:
Now, here’s a graph that shows how much the phrase “personal relationship with Jesus” has grown in popularity since the late 1960s:
Interestingly, the phrase becomes briefly popular in the late 1910s during World War I (while the men were off fighting, the women were at home having a personal relationship with Jesus).
The phrase falls out of use during the postwar years. Hardly anyone was referring to the Gospel as a personal relationship in the late 50s and early ‘60s, and these were the golden age of church attendance. Men’s participation rates were never higher.
But toward the end of the 1960s men began to drift away from the church, and the tendency to refer to the Gospel as a relationship began growing exponentially. This was the growth era of the evangelical subculture and its focus on female consumers. Christian books, music and media outlets proliferated, all heavily dependent on women buyers and viewers. Savvy authors and preachers realized this and began using female-friendly metaphors in their books and sermons. Chief among these: a personal relationship with Jesus.
The unintended consequence of this shift has been to alienate some men – particularly young men, who do not think relationally. It takes men’s eyes off the dangerous mission Christ gave us. It downplays “doing something” and emphasizes “becoming something.”
You may ask, “Why has the church, which is led predominantly by men, adopted this feminized way of describing Christianity?” Two reasons:
- Churches rely heavily on female volunteers to keep the ministry machine going. Pastors know this. Women will do almost anything for a man who loves her intimately. Especially if his name is Jesus.
- The men who go into ministry tend to be relational types. These men may have a hard time understanding how a guy might be confused by the idea of faith as a relationship.
Also, describing our faith as a relationship may be contributing to the growing immaturity among today’s churchgoers. Relationships rise and fall based on feeling and sentiment. If a young person loses his feelings toward the church he might be tempted to “deconstruct” his faith. And the word “relationship” implies a certain equality that can cause men to revere God less.
Thankfully, the phrase’s popularity peaked in 2012, and is now in decline.
The Biblical alternative
There’s a great alternative to the phrase “personal relationship” found in the early pages of scripture. In Genesis chapter 5 the Biblical patriarch Enoch “walked with God.”
So, instead of describing our faith as a personal relationship with Jesus, call it a walk with God. Everybody walks — both men and women. Plus, walking suggests activity and movement. It suggests a mission. A purpose. A destination.
Jesus always described his mission in terms of activity. He cried “Follow me!” – and men did. We should use the same active imagery when describing our faith.
David Murrow, The Online Preaching Coach, is the author of Why Men Hate Going to Church and many other bestselling books. David is an award winning television producer whose work has been seen on ABC, NBC, PBS, CBS, Discovery Networks, BBC World Service and dozens more. He trains pastors how to make their sermons more watchable, memorable and shareable online.
I know what you mean. The Church as the bride of Christ has been something I haven’t been able to sort out knowing that both men and women make up the church. Being female, I can imagine conversion would be the same for a man, a heart felt commitment of trust and loyalty. Of steadfast hope. Like the prodigal son, etc. So that’s relational. What do you think?
There is a documentary called “Before The Wrath” it really explains the marriage to Christ.
I’ve wondered about this, too. Just like the sinner’s prayer…not in the Bible. And “asking Jesus into your heart.” I like what you said and agree whole heartedly. I don’t understand why women want to dominate and take over everything in the church. I love having the men run everything at my new church! Prayers, sermons, baptisms, announcements, potlucks, communion, clean up, leading singing, teaching Bible class. I love having them lead!
I was comparing social media saying that people were in a relationship to church women who talk about being in a relationship with Jesus. I’m a female but I just couldn’t see it. I see Jesus as my Lord and my savior. Someone who I look up to and respect and know that he loves me but not the same way as social media says they are in a relationship. So I don’t get it either, I’m a practical female and do not expect Jesus to fill the role of a human husband. So maybe I’m one of those rare females but that would rather see Jesus as my Lord.
You can’t escape the fact that the church is the bride of Christ. And so was Israel before her. But that’s the church as a whole. Th church is not the harem of Christ!
The church doesn’t even exist,Jesus is a mythological construct. It’s impossible for a man or woman to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t exist.Christianity is based in the fantasies of Bronze Age goat herders who believed the world is flat and that blood magic can make you immortal.Believing this 💩 in the 21st century is a result of indoctrination usually in childhood.Imaginary friends don’t exist snakes don’t talk and the world wasn’t created in 6 days,magic isn’t real.
Yes it does confuse men!! Having gone through many different evangelical church setups throughout the last 45 years, that phrase has never quite sat with me – in fact these days it completely does my head in.
Thanks for this helpful post – I love your alternative and more biblical suggestion of “walking with God”
Not sure why this old post showed up in my Facebook feed, but I’m so glad it did! Thank you for this alternative language for describing a man’s relationship with God. Really appreciate your work!
I think of my relationship to God as one between a knight and a king. Jesus Christ is my Lord and King and I am His servant/knight/warrior. It works well for me.
This makes it SO CLEAR!